Baddiewinkle's Guide to Life Read online

  Photograph by Zoe McConnell for Missguided.

  BADDIE’S (OTHER) FAVORITE THINGS

  1. FAMILY: My greatest joy is hanging with my family during Christmas, birthday parties, on the weekends, any time. Whenever I’m with my family, it’s special, no matter the occasion. It’s important to show your family, your loved ones, how much you love them. What are your priorities? Where do they lay? Mine have always been rooted in family. Everyone, from my children to my five grandchildren and three great-grandchildren, know I love them because I’ve made it a point to be an active part of their lives. This applies to my friends as well. They are family, too.

  2. NOW: I’m not a fan of the past, and I don’t know what the future holds.

  3. FREEDOM: I love having the freedom to live according to my own rules. Can I say that again? I love having the freedom to live according to my own rules.

  4. SEX: It’s even better when you don’t have to fake it.

  5. “DREAMS” SWEAT SUIT: This is, hands-down, my favorite outfit. Not only does it have my favorite word, dreams, splayed across it but it’s so comfortable I could easily sleep in it for days.

  6. BACON GREASE: I don’t know the science of it but everything tastes better with bacon. And, for some unknown reason, green beans and bacon work best.

  7. SUNRISES: I’m a get-up-and-go kind of gal. Getting up early has several advantages, key among them is catching the sunrise. Watching the sun come up fills me with a sense of endless possibilities. The day is young, adventures await.

  8. NAPS: I’m an early riser and a big believer in naps. See number five above. If I have my dog curled beside me for a little catnap, I’m in heaven.

  9. TRAVEL: The world is as big or as small as you make it. There’s no age limit to traveling. It’s one of life’s great joys. When you travel, you encounter new people, experiences, and environments. It’s automatic mind-expansion. Some advice: Tie a piece of fabric on your luggage so you can find it faster at the airport’s bag check or do what I do: sticker art!

  10. GRAPES: Frozen grapes chill a cocktail or a glass of white wine beautifully. Don’t say I never helped you!

  Photograph by Ryan Hall.

  Want to know the real secret to living a long, happy life?

  A WORD OF WARNING: Don’t get uppity about it. Your throne doesn’t have to be fancy. A nice bit of land will do just fine—or you can bedazzle the bejesus out of your favorite piece of furniture. If you treat yourself, your surroundings, and the people you love with dignity and respect, you’ll not only have a better life, you’ll have a royal good time, too. Now, say it with me: YAAA-SSS-SSS QUEEN!

  Photograph by Zoe McConnell for Missguided.

  5

  THE ANATOMY OF AN OUTFIT

  Photograph by Ryan Hall.

  Photograph by Kate Owen.

  Granny bonnet? Check. Granny dress? STFU.

  Photograph by Danielle Levitt.

  Not everything I own is Gucci. I like to mix and match, bring a downtown flair to uptown style. Some of my favorite pieces of jewelry are from the local discount store. You can turn practically anything into something stylish—it just requires some confidence to pull it off. (I once wore a rainbow-colored slinky as a bracelet and got more compliments than if I wore Hermès.) Go ahead, take a page from my book.

  Photograph by Ryan Hall.

  I think a trip to the grocery store is a lot like looking for my car in an overcrowded parking lot. I wander until I find what it is I forgot I was looking for. Isn’t that life?

  HOW TO DRESS LIKE BADDIE

  Here’s how to put together a look that’s 100 percent Baddie:

  1. ASSESS YOUR MOOD. This step is important as it lays the foundation of your wardrobe. If you’re unsure of how you’re feeling or, even more important, if you’re in need of a good pick-me-up, do what I do: Reach for the rainbow and grab the most colorful article of clothing you can find. Your job is to now think in color. Go bright, baby.

  2. ACCENTUATE YOUR BEST FEATURES. I’m sure you’ve all noticed my beautiful eyes by now—bikinis tend to bring out their color, which is blue by the way.

  3. HAVE FUN. You aren’t dead yet, sugar, so don’t dress like you’re going to a funeral.

  4. BREAK THE RULES. Go ahead—live a little. If you want to wear white after Labor Day, shhh, I won’t tell anyone.

  5. RAID YOUR GRANDDAUGHTER’S CLOSET. I’m serious. Some people wait until their old clothes come back into style. Forget that. I’m all about the now and the new. Get with the program.

  Photograph by Ryan Hall.

  6

  IT’S BADDIE, BITCH!

  Photograph by Ryan Hall.

  If you want anything in this life it’s like Britney says, “You better work, bitch.” Nothing comes from nothing. Whether you’re a newborn babe, a hotshot millennial, or, like me, an octogenarian, life requires constant engagement. It’s not enough to simply want something. You’ve got to have a game plan. Otherwise, how are you gonna accomplish your dreams? And, even then, you need to employ steady patience to see your plan through. I once had a girlfriend who exclusively dated jockeys and when I asked her what it was about these men that she loved so much, she jokingly said, “One word, stamina.” It made for a good laugh, of course, but there’s something to be said about endurance. When you fail—and it’s inevitable that you will, perhaps even multiple times—try, try again.

  Photograph by Ryan Hall.

  If you think I’m taking in a matinee, think again. Me at the 2016 MTV VMAs.

  Photograph by Ryan Hall.

  THE BAD BITCH CLUB

  I’d like to invite you to the Bad Bitch Club. I’m a card-carrying member. But, here’s the thing, bitches are choosy. You only get invited if you’ve made something of yourself. So, when you’re ready—and take your time ’cause that’s all I got—send your RSVP to my attention. Don’t worry, Britney’s got my number.

  A WHO’S WHO OF THE WORLD’S BADDEST BITCHES

  ACCORDING TO BADDIEWINKLE

  RIHANNA

  With respect to Rihanna—the baddest bitch there is—Drake is my soulmate.

  MILEY CYRUS

  Miley’s down to earth. She reinvented herself and I reinvented myself. We have a lot in common.

  BRITNEY SPEARS

  I haven’t met her, but I know Britney would have my back.

  NICOLE RICHIE

  This girl is so sweet and delicate, she’s like a flower. But don’t you dare cross her. Girl’s got some thorns, too.

  KHLOÉ KARDASHIAN

  My heroine. Absolutely fabulous and brave, Khloé goes after what (and who) she wants in her life. We should all be so fearless.

  RITA ORA

  She’s no Becky ’cause she’s working a game that’s all her own.

  DREW BARRYMORE

  Who says a bad bitch has to be mean? Drew’s got a heart of gold and she’s courageous enough to wear it on her sleeve.

  GWEN STEFANI

  Gwen is my fellow rebel. You can’t knock this girl down.

  CHANEL WEST COAST

  She’s vibrant, on-fire funny, and, like any good bad bitch, she’s got some bass in her trunk.

  TAYLOR SCHILLING

  She’s not just a bad bitch on TV, Taylor plays one in real life, too. That swagger is real.

  Photograph by Zoe McConnell for Missguided.

  7

  THE HIGH LIFE

  Photograph by Ryan Hall.

  Photograph by Marina Fini.

  Young and married, I hosted my fair share of parties, and I’m still going strong. Listen, I’m not one to puff and tell. As far as I know, I’ve never inhaled. That said, who am I to tell you to get off of your cloud? Besides supporting the medical use of marijuana, I’m also a proponent of mind-expansion. I don’t need drugs to think big picture. I am the big picture. In many respects, the Internet is an ideal haven for me. It’s a massive, visual medium, and it’s seemingly endless. When you think the way I do, there’s no place to go but up.

  We congregate online to find true love, a conversation, a laugh, something (or someone) that transports us out of the everyday and whisks us away to a more magical realm, a place where we become our dreams. Consider me your guide on your road to self-realization and exploration. I’m happy we’re on the same trip—it’s a long one. Good thing I brought along some Munchie Madness.

  Photograph by Kennedy Lewis.

  Photograph by Ryan Hall.

  Photograph by Ryan Hall.

  BADDIE’S RECIPE FOR MUNCHIE MADNESS

  AKA Homemade Chocolate Cake

  INGREDIENTS

  1 cup sugar

  1 ¾ cups all-purpose flour

  ¾ cup unsweetened cocoa powder

  1 ½ teaspoons baking powder

  1 teaspoon salt

  2 eggs

  1 cup milk

  ½ cup vegetable oil

  2 teaspoons vanilla extract

  1 cup boiling water

  DIRECTIONS

  1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Grease and flour two nine-inch round cake pans.

  2. Stir together sugar, flour, cocoa, baking powder, baking soda, and salt. Add in everything except the boiling water. Mix on medium speed for a few minutes. Add in the water. Pour mixture into the cake pans.

  3. Put pans in the oven and bake for 30-35 minutes.

  4. Now for the important part: Make yourself a drink.

  Or, if you prefer, take advantage of the fact that you’re over eighty and, at your age, most likely have a medically sanctioned prescription for pain relief. If you’re sticking with cocktails, I recommend mixing a long pour of Fireball Cinnamon Whisky with a finger pour of cola. Top with ice and stir. Repeat as necessary.

  5. Oh, yeah, remember to take the cakes out of the oven, and put them on a wire rack to cool.

  6. Decorate the $h*! outta the cakes. I recommend store-bought frosting, but you can be fancy and make your own.

  7. Call up some friends and family so they can come over to gaze at your kick-ass cake. Put on some music. I recommend LunchMoney Lewis’s “Ain’t too Cool.” The video’s hot, too!

  8. Oblige everyone with another round of drinks.

  9. Listen to your friends’ stories. Tell some of your own. Sit back. Relax. Contemplate the meaning of life and your place in it. Isn’t it better with your peeps gathered close?

  Note: If you’re too baked to bake, there’s always pizza or burgers!

  8

  BAD ADVICE

  Photograph by Ryan Hall.

  Photograph by Dimepiece LA.

  This phone is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S!

  People ask me all kinds of crazy questions to solicit all manner of advice:

  What’s your spirit animal? (A: Today, it’s a Pegasus.)

  What’s the secret to living a long life? (A: Take it one day at time.)

  Why aren’t you in a nursing home? (A: I’d sooner be dead.)

  Are you dating anyone? (A: I’m holding out for someone tall and handsome with a good sense of humor and a nice-sized wallet in his pants pocket.)

  What’s your greatest secret? (A: Wouldn’t you like to know?)

  Do you believe in love?

  Love. It’s a subject that stops me in my tracks. Love is serious business if you take it to heart, and I do. My greatest accomplishment was raising my family with my husband, and we clocked in those years with hard work, sacrifice, and lots of love. If you’re going to commit to someone, do it with all of your being.

  Love is too precious to embark on it on a whim. Do not date to save yourself from loneliness. Do not date for outward validation. Do date because you’re curious about who someone is and where he or she came from, and because you want to learn from their experiences. Do date someone because you want to share who you are and what your experiences have been with someone special. Do this with a sense of openness, trust, patience, and commitment. So many things in life, sadly, give way to mediocrity. Love shouldn’t be one of them.

  To commit yourself to love you must be a good listener. I know it doesn’t sound like a life hack but it is. Trust me. If you learn to listen, the world is yours. People want to be heard. Listening is the single greatest attribute in human life and it’s the easiest one to develop but the hardest to master. Practice, practice, practice. But back to the questions:

  What advice would you give a millennial? (A: Take your education seriously.)

  How about advice for an octogerian? (A: Get off your ass and dance!)

  People! It’s not that hard: Listen. Love. Learn. And dance.

  Photograph by Baddiewinkle.

  Photograph by Dimepiece LA.

  AN INTERVIEW WITH BADDIEWINKLE BY BADDIEWINKLE

  HERE ARE THE QUESTIONS I WISH PEOPLE WOULD ASK ME:

  BADDIE: Hello, Baddie.

  BADDIE: Hello. My, you look good today. You are on fleek.

  BADDIE: Thank you. You, too. Any advice you can give me?

  BADDIE: Yes, always wear an eye mask to bed.

  BADDIE: Check. Next?

  BADDIE: If you take a picture of someone’s business card, you’ll never lose it.

  BADDIE: Do you have a business card?

  BADDIE: It’s called a selfie, dollface.

  BADDIE: I read that you recently changed your birthdate. True or false?

  BADDIE: True. When I got my driver’s license renewed, I changed my date of birth to my younger sister’s year of birth. She’s four years younger than me! I don’t know why I did it. When I turned eighty, I changed it back again.

  BADDIE: Trying to turn back time, I see. If you could be a fictional heroine, who would you be?

  BADDIE: Detective Baddiewinkle. I would solve mysteries.

  BADDIE: Baddie, you are a mystery. If you could offer sage advice to the younger version of yourself, what would you say?

  BADDIE: I’d say, “Hey, kid, look up. It’s gonna be okay.”

  Photograph by Kennedy Lewis.

  Remember my portrait at the beginning of this book? I told you, deep-down, that I’m a rebel, a fire-starter. If I’m going up in flames, I may as well do it in style. Bring it.

  Photograph by Ryan Hall.

  Photograph by Ryan Hall.

  LIKE MOTHER, LIKE DAUGHTER, LIKE GREAT-GRANDDAUGHTER

  The Kentucky state motto sums up the Winkle family philosophy: “United we stand, divided we fall.” My daughter Belinda has got my back and I’ve got hers. When life hit me hard, Belinda stood by my side, offering me moral support, prayer, and a good kick in the a$$ when I needed it.

  In first grade, Belinda stole the stage in her first theatrical appearance, performing in a blue organdy dress, a moment I’ve never forgotten. Like me, Belinda is outgoing and has many friends. Throughout the course of her life, she’s been an actress, a cheerleader, a homecoming queen, a square dancer extraordinaire, a belly dancer, and Kentucky’s Teacher of the Year. She’s also been my moral compass, and has guided me through some of life’s darkest and coldest nights. If there’s one thing we both understand it’s that

  THE SHOW MUST GO ON.

  While I get much of my strength and resolve from my daughter, my great-granddaughter, Kennedy, is a continual source of inspiration. In a sense, it was Kennedy who helped catapult me onto life’s stage. She posted the very first pic of me on the Internet (and I was wearing her jean shorts)! We are two peas in a pod. What can I say? The Van Winkle family gene is a lightning bolt. It’s sparked generations of powerful, free-spirited women.

  Did you know that Kentucky’s gemstone is the freshwater pearl? Well, now you do. When I think of the women in this family, I know I’m rich. These girls are Kentucky’s finest.

  9

  RAVE ON!

  Photograph by Ryan Hall.

  Photograph by Prince Chenoa and Jacob Dekat for Galore.

  Me at my most demure.

  Baddiewinkle is some bitch, ain’t she?

  I’ve discovered that people are enthralled with me because I suggest an alternative to aging; I will not go gentle into that good night. I’m not interested in sitting at home and knitting or doing yoga or water aerobics . . . except when I do.

  I have several secrets that won’t part my lips, but I’ll share this one: The real secret to my life is that I’m finally comfortable with being uncomfortable. It’s okay to be shocking. People need provocation to get out of their comfort zones, and aging is something that we, as a society, are deeply uncomfortable with. But we can change that.

  Whether you’re old or young, I dare you to explore the limits of who you think you are and what you think you can do. Ten times out of ten, you’ll surprise yourself, and maybe, if you’re lucky, someone will bear witness to your superhero feats. They may even post a picture or a video of you online like my great-granddaughter Kennedy did of me. And then the whole world will see your bright, shining light. And my torch will get a little brighter, too.